Dancing With The Scars

Dancing with the Scars

No one is immune from life’s difficulties. So, while I’d rather write about all the good times in my life, I know that my story would not be complete without including the not-so-good times. I believe it was in my search for answers to those dark times that I learned to trust in God and in His goodness. I also believe He allowed my struggles and difficulties to mold and make me into the person He wanted me to be. He has an eternal perspective and long-term plans in mind when He allows various circumstances in our lives. He knows the big picture.

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” Vivian Green

What an encouraging old quote! If I could update and simplify it a bit, it’d be, “Dancing with the Scars.” While dancing (living) we’ll likely develop scars (hurts) and while scaring is a natural part of the healing process, dancing and scaring are inevitable, but healing is optional. I found my healing in Christ.

So when I was around age 6 to 8 years old I was sexually abused. To those who have not gone through this sort of thing, I understand where you might think, “Get over it.” But to those who have, I say, “You’re not alone. Abuse is traumatic. It affects how you think and feel about yourself and how you relate to people. It also affects how you relate to God.”

I never told anyone about the abuse back then; I was afraid and I was a child. My mind blocked the memories of it until I was an adult. When the memories of it returned in adulthood, I went through a series of faith growing periods in my life, which also included forgiving those who had abused me. While I choose not to go into details of the sexual abuse, I will share about another traumatic experience that I went through when I was around 11 years old:

While babysitting a toddler and a baby, I was held at knife point over a large bloody bowl of water that contained a dead rabbit. I was forcibly held and forced to watch him cut apart the rabbit. I was basically scared out of my mind and was afraid to tell anyone about it. That experience alone was traumatic enough but it was made even more frightening when I learned that within a few months of what he did to me, a woman’s cut-up remains were found under the floor board of the very kitchen where he had traumatized me. He had fled the state and within a few months was caught and convicted of attempted murder of a woman in another state. I was told that he was suspected of murdering several other women while he was on his 18 month run from the police. He went to prison, where he later died, while on a work-release program.

In retrospect, even though it was a traumatic experience for me, I believe that God placed His hand of protection over me that day and protected me from being murdered. This event and the sexual abuse was all prior to me coming to faith in Jesus Christ. I believe God, in His sovereignty and providence, had plans for me and my life even before I was born.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you.” Jeremiah 1:5

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
Romans 5:3-5

I believe the hardships in life have a purpose; they can develop our endurance, strengthen our character, give us hope, and shape our thoughts about God.

In Genesis 50:20, Joseph told his brothers, As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.”

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

God uses the troubles and traumas in our lives to get our attention, shape our perspective, and ultimately to make us more like Him. While we may not understand why He allows some things in our lives, we are to trust Him nonetheless.

I have long ago forgiven my abusers, and it was because I asked God to help me forgive them. When I asked him to help me forgive, He gave me the gift of forgiveness in my life. It changed my perspective radically. God’s word tells us to forgive:

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Regardless of what sins were committed against me, there came a time in my own life where I realized that I too was guilty of sin. It was at that point, that my life began to change; and when I came to understand that:

We’re all born with a sin nature.

We’re all hopeless without Christ.

We’re all sinners in need of a Savior.

Jesus took the penalty that we deserve and offers us a new and eternal life in Him, when we come to Him in repentance and faith.

I also believe it’s wrong to see yourself as a victim. While it’s true you may have been a victim, I’m saying it’s wrong to see yourself in that way. See yourself in the light of God’s word:

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:23-24

“All” includes the most vile person you have ever known, up, and including the sweetest person you have ever known.

“None is righteous, no, not one.”
Romans 3:10

And when you receive God’s free gift of salvation through faith and trust in Christ alone, God sees you and receives you, clothed in the righteousness of Christ. That offer includes you and me, and it includes my abusers.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

So dance, because life is a gift, regardless of our difficulties and scars. God has made a way for all who come to Him in repentance and faith to live here and now, and into eternity. Don’t focus on the difficulties and the scars. Focus on Him who,

“…was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5

He Was Country When Country Wasn’t Cool

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“I Was Country When Country Wasn’t Cool.” by Barbara Mandrell, was a popular song in 1981. I really wasn’t much of a country music fan but this song caught my attention and the lyrics made me think about my dad. He passed away in 1978, when I was 24 years old. 

My dad was a good dad in so many ways. He loved his kids, he loved my mom, and we lived in a nice home in a nice neighborhood. We always had plenty of good food (my mom was such a good cook) and plenty of clothes. We had nice gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and he always made sure we went on vacations every summer. My love for travel began back then because my dad always made sure we went on vacations.

He was also very sentimental; tears would come to his eyes whenever he talked about his mom, who died when he was only 9 years old. His older sisters helped raise him. As an adult, he suffered from polio in the 1950s and as a result had one weak arm and one weak leg that caused him to walk with a limp. He didn’t let his disability keep him from working and living life, though. While I was growing up, he always had two jobs, working for White Castle on the weekdays and playing guitar at night on the weekends. He worked during the day because he had 6 kids to feed. He played guitar at night because he loved country music and playing the guitar.

Dad 1

He taught himself how to play guitar when he was in high school; he played by ear and was pretty good at it. I remember he told me that the principal at his high school used to ask him to play his guitar for impromptu music convocations.  He also loved basketball. He earned a letterman’s sweater for basketball and graduated from Cloverdale High School in 1938.

Dad

Later, he made a couple of records (45 RPM) and played in various bands over the years including “The Hoosiers” and “Boomer and the Boomertones.” He played guitar at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville in the 1950s for a husband and wife team named Kenny and LuLu Bell Si, and also on a local TV station in Indianapolis on a show called Midwestern Hayride. In the 50s, 60s and early 70s he worked weekends at local taverns, playing country music throughout most of my childhood.

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He recorded hours and hours of his music, first on Reel-to-Reel tapes, then on cassettes. Our garage and our basement were like recording studios. I have lots of childhood memories of all sorts of musicians coming over to our house to play music. When they played in the basement, it would be full of laughter, cigarette smoke, longneck bottles and loud country music. When I was a young teen, he tried and tried to teach me how to play but I complained that the guitar strings hurt my fingers. That was my excuse, although true, but in reality I just didn’t think country music or playing the guitar was very “cool” back then.  Somehow, I was unimpressed by all of it.

Inescapably and as life would have it, the good times were mixed with the bad. Actually, my dad’s preferred mix was Calvert’s and 7UP®. Nearly every night he would drink. He would even have me make it for him if I was nearby. He was quiet and kind during the day, but then he’d be argumentative at night.It was literally like night and day. I remember thinking everybody’s dad drank whiskey and 7UP® every night because that’s what mine did. I think it could best be described as controlled chaos; it would be crazy at times then everything would be fine the next day.

Then one tragic day in 1963 my oldest brother died in a car wreck and our whole family was devastated. My dad had such a hard time coping and was in so much pain. We all were in pain, really. During the following 2 or 3 years I witnessed him attempt suicide on two occasions. It’s hard to explain my feelings through the eyes of a 9-, 10-, or 11-year-old, but I mostly remember feeling sorry for my dad, but not knowing how to help him. It was confusing and difficult to process. Those years were hard; it was a hard time in all our lives back then. A few years later in 1973, I did what we all do when we grow up, I moved out to live on my own.

Then, in 1978, I decided to move back home when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He passed away within 6 months of his diagnosis. I remember the night my (future) husband carried him from the house to the car to take him to the hospital where he went into a coma and then passed away two weeks later.

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This was one of our last photos together. We gathered at a family picnic about two months before he passed away.

Cancer is a horrible disease and I hate it, but at the same time, I believe it’s a blessing to have the time between the diagnosis of cancer and the time of passing—time to collect your thoughts, time to heal relationships, and time with God. I believe it was God’s providence that drew me back home during that time. I got to spend those last few months living with my dad and my mom while he was going through cancer treatments. It was then and there that I saw my dad read his Bible and pray. He talked about God and I saw his Bible study notes. He had both old and new notes in his Bible. I also learned that he was a Christian long before I was even born. That surprised me because I thought at that time in my life that Christians were supposed to be “perfect” and that they didn’t have any problems.

In reality, my dad struggled with many real-life problems; losing his mom at such a young age, having polio, alcoholism, the death of my brother, etc. The fact Christians aren’t perfect and are not immune from problems was something I would learn more about later in life, but here was a real life example I witnessed with my own dad. 

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 1 Peter 1:6-7

Now at this time in my own life, my walk with God wasn’t very close; I was keeping Him at a distance. Even still, I believe God’s grace was at work in my life and that this period of my dad’s passing and me being present in his life during this time was all part of His plan in both of our lives.

And looking back, I realize I was not as close to my dad while I was growing up as I wish I could have been. I think I kept him somewhat at a distance as well.  While my love for my dad has always been there and I never doubted that he loved me, my feelings and compassion for him have actually grown since his passing.  And if he were here today, I would tell him how much I love him and that I now understand that life is not perfect; people are not perfect; Christians are not perfect; difficult things happen in life; and that we all make choices in life that we may later regret. Jesus is the only One who has led a perfect life. If my dad were here today, I’d tell him I’m sorry I didn’t let him teach me how to play the guitar. I’d tell him that his guitar and his country music were “cool.” Most of all, I’d tell him that he was, in fact, very “cool.”

“Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.” Proverbs 14:26

Even the Hairs of your Head

Even the Hairs of your Head

Growing up in the 50s and 60s, I was a pale, dark-haired little girl who loved watching TV.

Me at 6 months, 4 years, and 6 years old.

I remember that I wanted to look like, no, actually, I wanted to be Elly May Clampett from The Beverly Hillbillies TV show that debuted in 1962. It was her long blonde hair and her sweet country personality that impressed me, and probably also because I spent way too much time watching TV back then. I grew up admiring lots of TV actors. I remember my mom used to tell me that God made me just the way I was supposed to be, and to be happy with who I was. I didn’t believe my mom at the time and secretly planned to bleach my hair blonde like Elly May Clampett as soon as I reached the age of 18. Fortunately, by the time I turned 18, I had grown out of my Elly May phase.

I was also a tomboy. I remember I used to play soldier and dress up in my brother’s army outfit, crawl on my belly in the woods behind our house, complete with a toy rifle strapped to my back and a toy knife in my mouth. Vic Morrow from the TV show Combat, was my inspiration.  Thankfully, I grew out of this stage as well.

My last name was Query and I used to feel a little embarrassed by it, especially when people pronounced my name with a long “e” sound. Although “query” is synonymous with “question,” I didn’t like the slang connotation associated with it. I always used to feel like I was different from everyone else, and that I didn’t fit in. I didn’t trust people, was pretty much a loner, and was uncomfortable being around people. But in reality, it wasn’t my name that made me feel that way. More than likely it was due to some traumatic events I experienced as a child.

Life is not perfect.

In fact,

Life is messy sometimes.

But,

I discovered in my adulthood that the key to unlocking life’s messes is to look to God for answers to all of life’s questions.

Now I still have times when I feel different and feel like a loner, but I prefer to say it’s because I’m just a little quirky, or maybe unique is a better word. Either way, I believe God has worked it all out for my good and His glory. Overall, my life has been overwhelmingly filled with many more blessings than problems.

When I look back over my life, there are so many times and events that come to mind that bring a smile to my face, and many that make me shake my head and laugh! Like my first car. It didn’t have a “P” for “Park” and the emergency brake was broken. So to park the car, I carried a wedge to throw under the tire to keep the car from rolling. Sometimes I’d miss and I’d have to get out really fast, and hope the car wouldn’t roll too far before I could get the wedge and put it under the tire in time.

I also used to run out of gas all the time because I didn’t like spending money on gas. I much preferred to spend money on food or clothes. Ah, the mind of a 16 year old.

I graduated from high school in 1972 and that was the very same year I voted in my first presidential election—for Richard Nixon, no less!

I used to get lost while driving to new places and I’d end up crying. I remember thinking how cool it would be if the radio could just please tell me where I was and how to get to where I was going. I was on the edge of brilliance (?!), but somehow fell short of inventing a GPS navigation system. LOL

When I was in my 20s, I used to arm wrestle—and win. I got married at the age of 25, became a stepmom of two, traveled on our honeymoon to London, Paris, and Rome, and got seasick on my first cruise across the English Channel. I gave birth at 26 to our first daughter Michelle.

When I was in my 30s, I gave birth at age 31 to our second daughter, Megan. We moved from Indiana to Florida to California to Texas. I came dangerously close to alligators while floating down Ichetucknee Springs in Florida on an inner tube. We moved from Indiana to Florida, to California, back to Florida, and then to Texas. We traveled to Waikiki Beach, Honolulu, and also to West Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

When I was in my 40s, I gave birth at age 42 to our third daughter, Mackenzie. We lived in a barn while building our first home as homeowners.  While working with the youth group at our church, I hid in the curtains at JCPenney, wearing a disguise, while playing Where’s Waldo? at the mall. I worked nights for Delta Air Lines and was constantly sleep deprived. My travels included Tokyo, Japan; Montego Bay, Jamaica; Honolulu, Hawaii; and Frankfurt, Germany.

In my 50s, I slept on the street in downtown Los Angeles with Michelle, Megan, and several strangers, while waiting in line for a TV game show. The police jokingly gave us our wake-up call by megaphone! A year earlier, I was called up from the audience of this same game show when I heard them say, “Elaine Crandell, come on down! You’re the next contestant on ‘The Price is Right!’” I traveled to Lake Tahoe, Mount Rushmore, and to a local maze where I was the first and only one in our family to finish all four mazes! I traveled to Times Square and the Empire State Building in NYC and stayed in a hotel in Times Square. I traveled to Chicago and stood on the Willis Tower Skydeck. I also traveled to Moscow, St. Petersburg, and Yaroslavl, Russia, on my first mission trip with Michelle and Mackenzie, and to Toronto, Canada, with Michelle on a second mission trip. And, I became a Maw-Maw!

In my 60s, I went indoor skydiving, walked on a glass skywalk over the Grand Canyon, traveled on several cruises to the Bahamas, Caribbean, and Alaska. I drove all different kinds of motorhomes all over the country, hundreds of miles, and enjoyed stopping and smelling the roses all along the way.

In my early 70s and fully retired since December 2023, Harold and I have enjoyed several cruises and motorhome trips since our retirement. Lord willing, we’re looking forward to new destinations and new travel adventures in the future. We’re thankful for all of God’s blessings in our lives, the gift of faith, the gift of family, and, most of all, salvation in Him.

Which brings me to why I decided to write. While I’ve just shared bits and pieces of some of my life and some of my adventures, I well know that life is not about ease, comfort, and pleasure. It’s not about fun and games. It’s not about acquiring things and it’s not about traveling to new places.

Life is about knowing God and making Him known. It’s about glorifying God and enjoying Him forever.

And,

God’s purpose for His children is to conform us to Christ’s image, to glorify Himself through us, and to use us in any way He sees fit to help spread the gospel.

But, I know many of us, myself included, didn’t come to Christ the first time we heard the gospel. We hesitated or we tried to get to God by trusting in traditions instead of Jesus, or by holding on to our sin, or by any number of reasons, really. 

As I look back over my life, I see where God has used some unlikely methods to get my attention and to accomplish His purposes in my life.

He did the same in Gideon’s life.

In Judges, Chapter 7, God used Gideon and a small army of 300 men to defeat the Midianites’ large army of 135,000. The small army won. God chose Gideon, the small army, and their weakness in order to put His might on display.

In this same way, God uses our weakness, suffering, and our fumbling efforts to demonstrate His power and to draw us closer to Him.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

So, in my writings, it’s my goal to share “the good, the bad, and the ugly,” and the seemingly insignificant events of my life, which God has used for His purposes and to draw me closer to Him. I believe God’s providence has protected and provided for me throughout my entire life, even before I came to know Him, and up to and including the present.

I see my life as an intricate weaving of the good and the bad, be it quirky or unique, and the fun and not-so-fun. But through it all, I’ve learned that God has a plan and a purpose for everything that happens in life. 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

I’ve learned that His plans and His timing are perfect in every way, and that God does not make mistakes.

So the pale, dark-haired little girl who dreamed of being Elly May Clampett has been transformed from the little lost girl that I was, to a daughter of the King.

God sought me and He bought me with His redeeming love. He sent His Son Jesus to die for me. He cared for me when I was a child and He has continued to care for me throughout my entire life; even the minor and insignificant things like the hairs on my head.

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. Buteven the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29