Mom, Megan, and Me

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It was 1986, an early and cold January morning in Indianapolis. I was excited and ready to go to the hospital to have our second baby! In anticipation of the birth we’d taken our 4 year old, Michelle, over to my mom’s house the night before. So off to the hospital we went with my suitcase, purse, 35mm camera, 2 rolls of film, and a heart full of excitement. On the way to the hospital I nervously loaded my camera with a roll of film. Three days later I discovered I’d loaded it wrong and didn’t get the first 36 pictures I thought we’d taken, but that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Mom met us at the hospital with Michelle to sit with us in the labor/delivery room. Having family in the labor/delivery room was new to us so when the doctor suggested it, I thought that’d be pretty cool. It was nice to have the people I loved the most right there next to me.

We didn’t know for sure if we were having a boy or a girl. I’d had two sonograms while I was pregnant but the quality of sonograms wasn’t like the quality we have today. They told us in the first sonogram that we were having a girl and in the second sonogram that we were having a boy. We figured the second one was the right one since it was the latest, so we were looking forward to having a new baby boy!

A little over three hours later the doctor said, “It’s a girl!” So much for that second sonogram! Ha! But having another girl meant we didn’t have to buy baby boy clothes. Besides, baby girl clothes are so much cuter than baby boy clothes (at least back then) and we already had plenty of baby girl clothes! After only a few moments of holding her they took her to the warming table. They wrapped her tight in a receiving blanket and I got to hold her again before they took her off the the nursery. She was a beautiful baby; I loved her immediately.

After a short time in recovery I was taken to my room and I was just about to doze off to sleep when the doctor came in. He had a team of doctors with him so I was a little surprised at that. He then proceeded to tell me that our daughter was born with Spina Bifida, actually a lipomyelomeningocele, which is a golf ball size fatty tumor that’s attached to her spinal cord. He further explained that she’d probably have difficulty walking, problems with her bladder and that she’ll need surgery soon, and maybe several surgeries down the road. I didn’t really grasp all that he was telling me; it was a lot to absorb.

Then, later that very day, I got a phone call on the hospital room phone from the doctors office where I’d taken my mom earlier in the month. She told me that all the test results were in and that based on the tests the doctor was diagnosing her with Alzheimer’s Disease, and that it was incurable.

In a matter of a few hours, my world had been turned upside down. From the excitement of giving birth to the fear of what the future held for my newborn daughter and my mom. I laid awake all night, crying and praying. By the second night in the hospital, I still couldn’t sleep and I began to hallucinate; it was too much to handle, between the hormones, my newborn, my mom, and at this point I hadn’t slept for going on nearly 36 hours. I cried out for God to give me peace and for the nurse to give me something to help me fall asleep.

I recognized that I needed help; I needed God’s help; I needed the prayers of God’s people.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law Christ.” Galatians 6:2

I reached out to God in prayer and then I began asking different groups to pray for my daughter and my mom. Up until this time in my life, I don’t recall sharing prayer requests with others. It was hard for me to share my prayer requests. My daughter and mom were so precious to me; I didn’t want people to think less of them or think that they were less than perfect, and I loved them so much. I knew that the power of prayer doesn’t come from the number of people praying, it comes from the Holy Spirit, but I knew I needed help so I was willing to risk being vulnerable.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16

The next few years were filled with hospital and doctor visits, surgeries and clinics for our little girl and at the same time, my mother faded away ever-so-slowly into the ravages of Alzheimer’s Disease. I was glad my mom got to come stay with and near us for extended periods of time when she was in the early to mid stages of the disease. Her sweet and gentle spirit was still with her during these stages.

Through these years I learned that it was in the days of burden and prayer for my daughter and my mom that I drew closer to God. He drew me from my independence to be more dependent on Him. I was a very independent person and God knew I needed to change.

“He uses difficulty to strengthen and correct believers and eventually as a tool in achieving His plan.” Charles Stanley

My mom passed away in 1998 after suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease for several years. It was hard to see her fade away to the point that she didn’t know who I was and had lost the ability to walk and talk. Her personality gone, long before her passing, made me miss my mom even while she was still alive. When it came time for her passing, it was hard to let her go, even though I knew she was going to be much better off and be with Jesus. I loved her so much. But I thank God for helping me get through those difficult days and I thank all those who prayed for us during that time.

In our daughter’s early years, it seemed like everything was going to work out ok for her. We had a lot of support, a lot of good doctors and clinics, and many of her teachers would tell me what a great attitude she had. But the overall reality is that she has had a difficult life with Spina Bifida; it takes it’s toll both physically and emotionally. Little did I realize how difficult her life would be as they wheeled her off to her first neurosurgery when she was barely a month old. I’ll never forget how, after that first surgery, her face was pale and shiny like a China doll as she laid on the hospital bed motionless. I thought for an instant that she didn’t make it; my heart stood still, but then the doctor assured us she was ok. She had a second and third neurosurgery at age 4, a fourth neurosurgery at age 5, and a fifth neurosurgery at age 16. And this was in addition to numerous clinic visits, tests, bladder procedures, physical therapy, feet surgeries and castings over the span of much of her childhood and teen years.

I’m thankful for all the prayers for her over the years, and actually would appreciate your prayers for her still today. As an adult with Spina Bifida she wears legs braces to walk but gets around nowadays mostly by wheelchair. She also has chronic back pain, chronic bladder and kidney infections, and various other related medical issues. Everyday simple things that most people take for granted, like walking, bathing, house cleaning, grocery shopping, etc., all are daily challenges for her. On top of all of this, and by the grace of God, she is also the mother of two beautiful children.
While we all may wonder why God allows things like birth defects, disease and suffering here on earth, I know there are some things that we may not know the answer to until we get to heaven. We all suffer at times, and some some more than others. The who and the why are epic questions for a lot of us, but I do know this: He has a plan and a purpose for everything in our life and I have learned that He wants us to pray and trust Him no matter what.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

While paying for gas in Florida in 2017, I noticed a sign by the register,
“Have you played today?”
It was the state of Florida’s friendly reminder to buy lottery tickets. The lady ahead of me in line apparently didn’t need the reminder. I think she was there just to buy lottery tickets, so much so that it took what seemed like forever before she finished; 10 of this one, 15 of this one, etc. All the while she and the girl at the register laughed and talked about all the things they’d do with the winnings. Then this thought crossed my mind: what if the letter “l” was changed to an “r”,
“Have you prayed today?”

I thought, what a difference that would make in people’s lives. What a difference it’s made in mine.

“Men ought always to pray.”Luke 18:1

Megan and me, together on our Alaskan cruise in 2018!

My Weight Loss Journey

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Weight gain and loss is such a personal issue; many people struggle with loosing weight; many of us give up. It takes determination, the right foods, portion control, exercise, and a practical plan that you can stick with.

Here I am in 2013 holding our youngest grandson at the time, Hudson, who I love dearly. I have no idea how much I weighed then; I didn’t dare step on the scale nor would I normally post a photo like this! It was taken during a fairly stressful time in my life. Not that this was the only stressful period in my life, as anyone with grown children can attest, but it was definitely one of them. A few months months earlier, his mother (our youngest daughter Mackenzie) became pregnant at age 15 and gave birth out-of-wedlock at age 16. Like a lot of people, I tend to overeat during stressful times, In fact, I can look back at other times in my life that I also gained weight due to specific stressful periods in my life. Even though I’m a Christian and know that God is in control, I’m still human.

I also tend to keep to myself, especially when it comes to personal issues. It took me a long time before I could even talk about our daughters pregnancy, let alone stop crying about it. I was so upset but just as I’ve discovered with so many of life’s trials, when I’ve looked to God for help, He taken some of the most stressful moments in my life and turned them into some of the most beautiful things in my life.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Roman’s 8:28

Now I can’t even imagine life without our Hudson! He, along with our other grandchildren are the icing on the cake of life! I know that no human being is ever conceived outside God’s will or ever conceived apart from His image. Unplanned pregnancies may surprise us, but God is never surprised.

Actually our Mackenzie was our surprise baby; she was born when I was 42! I believe with all my heart and told her that, “The God who allowed you to be born when I was 42, is the same God who’s allowed you to give birth at age 16.” He is the author of life.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,

Psalm 139:13-16

Here I am in 2013 with our oldest daughter Michelle,on my 59th birthday. I did my best to hide my weight behind that present. For the most part, I deleted a lot of photos during this time. I didn’t like being overweight.

So in February 2016, at age 61, I got the courage up to get back on the scales. I weighed 173 pounds! I was taking high blood pressure medicine and an acid reflux medicine daily. I knew I had to do something to change my weight and to improve my health. This is me on February 21, 2016, the day I started Nutrisystem.

I was tired of deleting photos and tired of being overweight. Up until that time I’d been telling myself that I looked OK for my age, and that gaining weight and taking medicine was all part of getting older. But I decided that I didn’t want to just look “OK for my age.” I decided I wanted to be the best I can be, both inside and out. So, in addition to my new diet I started drinking water instead of soda, walking 2 or 3 times a week for 30 to 60 minutes each time and listening to my favorite bible teachers on my EarPods: Alistair Begg, Steve Lawson, and John MacArthur, etc. I loved getting fresh air, walking, and listening to biblical messages all at the same time; multi-tasking at its best! It became my favorite time of the day.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2

By end of the first week I’d lost 7 pounds and just 2 months later in April I’d lost 21 lbs. I entered Nutrisystem’s Success Story contest for a chance to win $10K and a chance to be in one of their commercials. In August 2016 I was asked to be a call-in guest for two QVC/Nutrisystem TV shows that month and to come to Tampa, FL the following month for a photo shoot.

By September of 2016 I turned 62 and had lost 40 lbs! I celebrated my birthday with my family and a Nutrisystem Carrot Cake.

A few days after my birthday I flew to Tampa for a 5-day photo shoot for Nutrisystem along with 14 others who had also lost weight. My daughter Michelle took off work and came down the next day to keep me company. I loved being a part of something so fun and interesting.

It reminded me of when I was young, I wanted to be a model, and although I did do some modeling in my teens and twenties, I wasn’t tall enough to be a model so modeling really wasn’t a viable option for me. But in Tampa, I was pampered and treated just like a real model, with wardrobe, make-up and hair stylists. I was photographed against a white screen and did some short promotional video monologues on a green screen. I didn’t win the contest nor did they use me in any of their commercials but it was still a great experience.

Me and my Michelle in Tampa after the photo shoot:

After I returned home from the photo shoot, I found the same dress that wardrobe had picked out for me to wear, except in a smaller size. The dress that I wore in their photo shoot was a little big on me and had to be pinned in the back, but this one fit perfect:

Since losing 40 pounds my doctor gave me the OK to stop taking both my blood pressure medicine and acid reflux medicine. My blood pressure has continued to be normal ever since. I’m thankful for my good health and don’t take it for granted. I maintain my weight by drinking lots of water, eating healthy, and am still walking and listening to my favorite bible teachers.

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3:16-17

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

“Don’t shine so others can see you. Shine so that that through you, others can see Him.” C.S. Lewis

Stress and problems are facts of life, but with God, nothing is impossible. I believe God has a plan and a purpose for everything that happens in life; be it our plans or our surprises, or our successes or our failures. We are to keep your focus on Him through it all.

Pretty is as Pretty Does

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It’s hard to write about my mom. I feel like words can’t even begin to describe how much of a good mother she was or how much I loved her!

But here I’ll try.

I remember my mom used to always say, “Pretty is as pretty does.” I was so young when she used to say this to me, I didn’t really understand what it meant.

My mom was born in Illinois in 1921 and was given the name of “Sarah Katherine” but at some point she changed the spelling to “Sara Kathryn.” Back then it was common to be born at home and so my grandmother gave birth to all four of her children at home. My mother, her second child, along with her sister and two brothers, grew up during the depression. She told me that they were so poor that for Christmas all they would get would be an orange and maybe a homemade toy or doll.

Mom with her baby sister, Naomi, and older brother David:

Mom with her sister, Naomi, and younger brother, Ralph, and their billy goat:

They moved to Indiana sometime during her childhood and she graduated from high school in 1938.

It was there at Cloverdale High School that she met my dad. They fell in love and got married in 1941, three years after they graduated from high school.

They had six kids, of which I was the 5th!

Mom and me, Easter 1956 🙂

Growing up I remember she babysat a lot of kids; some for weeks at a time! People would come pick their kids up and not even pay her because they didn’t have enough money. I remember one summer she watched 3 or 4 kids from one family for the whole summer and when the dad came to pick them up he only gave her $20.

My mom would kneel at her bed at night to pray and get up early in the morning to read her bible. I remember when we lived on Hickory Lane in Indianapolis and she would sit alone reading her Bible in our tiny kitchen nook just off the kitchen. I remember her sitting there in that little nook, with the yellow ruffled curtains, and the smell of black coffee. If any of us kids would get up too early she would tell us to go back to bed! I remember one morning in particular I stood there watching her and wanting her attention so I said something mean to try to get it. It worked but not in the way I had wanted. It would be years later until I would understand why she needed that quiet time with the Lord.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

My mom worked hard taking care of us and the all the kids she babysat. I remember piles of laundry in the basement and wondering how there could be so much of it! She’d be exhausted just from looking after all of us, let alone trying to keep the house clean and keeping up with the laundry. Once she sat down to watch TV or to rest she usually fell asleep from exhaustion. She used to say that her eyelids were attached to her knees so whenever she sat down her eyelids would close!

My mom took pride in making her dollar stretch. She’d buy a gallon of whole milk and then mix it with powdered milk to make two gallons. She’d also go to two or three different grocery stores each week just to get the best prices, using store coupons at each one.

She also was a great cook and could always find something in our pantry or in the freezer to put a meal together. My dad worked at White Castle as an office supervisor, and would bring home boxes of slightly outdated frozen White Castle hamburger patties. My mom would then make all sorts of different meals out of them; basically anything that called for ground beef. She could make something out of almost anything and it always tasted good! All except liver and onions! I’d skip that and settle for peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Actually one of my favorite snacks was one of my mom’s favorites, a banana with peanut butter.

My mom was a lot like her mom, my grandma. Some of my favorite memories were of us going to my grandma’s house to for family dinners. My grandma made the best rubarb pie in the world! My grandma used to tell me that she prayed for me, and I’m so thankful for her and her prayers. I loved her so much.

My mom had a natural love for her family but at the root of her love for us, was the love that she had for Jesus.

I wasn’t exactly the perfect child but she loved me unconditionally. There wasn’t anything I could do or say to make her not love me. She made a difference in my life and in the lives of many people she came in contact with.

She was always thinking of others first. She had compassion and love for hurting people, and for people in need. I remember her making sandwiches and handing them out to strangers in need. She treated them with love and respect. She had such a gentle, sweet and giving spirit. She had the love of Jesus in her heart and she made sure each one of us knew how much she loved us.

When we all grew up and had families of our own she made sure that each of her children and grandchildren knew how much she loved us. She was always looking forward to our next family get-together! She would do anything and everything she could for any one of us.

Mom in her basement on McFarland Rd with five of her grandkids Christmas 1986:

She lived the last 20 years of her life as a widow and spent most of the last 10 of those years suffering from the effects of early onset Alzheimer’s. She came to live with and near me for part of those latter years. Even though the disease affected her personality and her memory, just to just be near her and to spend time with her was special to me.

Here’s some pics from our last couple of family Christmas get-togethers:

Our last family get-together was in January of 1998 in Vincennes, Indiana. We took photos all together, one right after the next, in hopes of catching her old familiar smile. But the raveges of Alzheimer’s had taken it’s course and she could no longer smile; nor walk or talk. She was ready to go home. See passed from this life on earth to her heavenly home on September 15, 1998 at age 77. I was there, along with my sister and brother, and read some bible verses to her, prayed and held her hand as her soul passed to heaven to be with the Lord.

So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord. 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

I’ll not post those photos from January of 1998. Instead I want to remember my mom the way she was for the greater part of her life here on earth. She was a pretty lady by any standards and even in today’s world where so much emphasis is put on outward appearance, but it was her beauty that radiated from within that will be her legacy. My mom lived her life, simply put, with love for God and her family. And while I didn’t understand it as a child, I eventually came to learn the meaning of “Pretty is as pretty does” because of my mom and the way she lived her life.

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People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7

The Land That I Will Show You

The Land that I will show you-2 The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land that I will show you.” Genesis 12:1

As far back as I can remember, I was a headstrong and independent child. I wanted to do things my own way and make my own decisions. While some may consider these somewhat positive traits in an adult, they’re not so much in a child, nor are they positive traits in a Christian. Old habits die hard. But God, in His sovereign providence, uses both our positive and negative personality traits in His plan for our lives. He uses bits and pieces of our past, including and especially our problems, in our walk of faith toward Him and with Him. Here is one such time in my life:

In February of 1988, We were almost 8 years into our marriage, with 2 young children, living in my hometown, on the south side of Indianapolis. Life was far from perfect but it was pretty good; I was happy, enjoying living near family (my mom was only a couple of miles from me), I had a great job working for a small airline and I enjoyed attending my childhood church.

Then out of the blue, my husband decided we should move to Florida. His parents had moved there a few years before and we had enjoyed visiting there, but like the saying goes, “It’s a nice place to visit but I don’t want to live there.” I repeat, I didn’t want to live there! Indianapolis was my hometown and I didn’t want to move away. I didn’t want to leave my mom. I didn’t want to leave the life I had grown familiar with. I didn’t want to leave my church. But, long story short, he left the first week in February, 1988, without me and the kids. He moved in with his parents and found a new job right away. I wasn’t upset but I wasn’t too happy about it either. I basically was just hoping he’d change his mind and come back home soon.

Over next few months we both continued hold on to our individual opinions about where we should live. The thought of divorce crept in my mind but I still loved my husband and he still loved me. We were just having a disagreement on where we should live. I didn’t like him not agreeing with me and I wanted him to just come back home. We really were at an impasse.

So I got my bible and I searched for answers. I read in Malachi that God hates divorce. I read in Ephesians that wives should submit to their husbands as to the Lord. And I read in Genesis that God called Abraham, in an act of obedience, to leave his homeland and to move to an unknown and faraway land. Now I read these things but at the same time I was having a conflict with my old nature of being headstrong and independent. I considered life as a single mom, a life of independence, where I called all the shots, but then, I prayed earnestly for clear directions from God about what to do.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

Then it finally became clear to me – my husband wasn’t asking me to jump off a cliff, or asking me to break a law, or asking me to do something against God, he was just asking me to move to Florida to be with him. God gave me a sense of peace about moving and I began to see the situation as an act of obedience towards both my husband and God. This was a big step for me because I think I’d been holding on to my independence ever since childhood, and even into my marriage. I believe God increased my faith right then and there as I realized I needed to be more obedient to Him and to my husband.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:21

Abraham had great faith in God and was obedient to Him. God told Abraham he was going on a journey that would require him to leave his country, his people, and his father’s household. Obedience meant he had to say goodbye to relationships and the things near and dear to him. Separation from the familiar played a part in his development of his strong faith in God. Sometimes God asks us to let go of something we hold dear before He let’s us take a hold of something new. It’s all a part of living by faith; trusting In Him even when we don’t see how all the pieces fit together, and believing that He’ll work everything out.

So with a leap of faith, a step of obedience, and a hopeful heart, I moved to Florida with our two young daughters the 1st day of June in 1988 to be with my husband. In the coming months God blessed me in ways I never imagined and my faith in Him grew in a most unexpected way – which I plan to be the subject of one of my future blogs.

The Wishing Well

Wishing Well

Back in the 1980’s, we lived in a small double (or some called it a duplex) on the south side of Indianapolis. It was a rental (owned by my mom) and it was our first real home together after living in an apartment for a short while after we got married. It was pretty plain on the outside with red brick and white siding; the inside was even more plain. But I was so excited to fix it up and to give it my own personality! I painted, wall papered and spruced it up as best as I could!

Home decorating has always been one of my favorite things to do. It started back when I was in my teens. I loved changing my bedroom room around and redecorating it. I would pick a color and run with it! My first favorite color was orange! Everything was either orange because it came that way or I painted or dyed it! I even painted my TV orange! No kidding! Then I moved on to blue & green and of course I painted my TV, picture frames, etc. Basically if it could be painted, I did it! Next, I moved on to green and white. In the early 2000’s my favorites were hunter green, tan and white. Fast forward to today, my favorite decorating colors are deep red, black, gray and white! 😊

So anyway, back to our first home. I got it looking pretty much to my liking, considering what little budget we had and with what I had to work with. But, eventually I found myself spending a lot of time going through catalogs looking for more decorating ideas and wishing I could afford this or that. I would circle and ear-mark my favorite things and then stack up my “wish list” catalogs in a nice pile. The closest thing to it today would probably be surfing online and “Pinterest.” 😊

Around this same time, I found myself daydreaming and wishing things were different in my marriage. The honeymoon was over, so-to-speak, and things weren’t quite the way I had imagined. I found myself both wanting and wishing for nicer stuff and for things to be different in my marriage. I thought of it kind of like a “wishing well” in my heart.

According to Wikipedia, a wishing well is a old term from European folklore to describe wells where it was thought that wishes could be granted by the guardian or god of the well. After uttering a wish, you would drop a coin in the well and that wish would then be based upon how the coin would land at the bottom of the well. If the coin landed heads-up, the guardian of the well would grant the wish, but the wish of a tails-up coin would be ignored. It was thus potentially lucky to throw coins in the well, but it depended on how they landed.

What a silly folklore; all based on chance or luck, and some unknown guardian or god.

One day after a particularly unfulfilling period of time spent looking at catalogs, and daydreaming about how I wished things were, this verse came to mind:

“You have not because you ask not.”
James 4:2

I realized that my wishes and wants, as genuine and real as they were to me, were not going anywhere (but to the bottom of a well) because they were just that – wishes. I had not been praying and asking God about these things. I realized I’d been wishing for things when instead, I could have and should have be praying about them.

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
Matthew 6:33

So I began to pray and it was in my praying, I learned to shift my focus off of my material wants and off my daydreaming, and instead, changed my focus toward God. It was in my prayers and my growing relationship with Him that I found true happiness. I learned that happiness and contentment are not found in what you have, they’re found in Who you know. I learned that God wanted me to pray about everything, especially my wishes, because it was in my prayers that I began to know the heart of God.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
Matthew 7:7-11

From all of this I learned that God is good. He uses anything and everything to draw us toward Him; material goods or lack thereof, our wishes, our problems, our daydreams, our past, our present, our talents and our treasures, etc.

So today, if you find yourself doing a lot of wishing and wanting, try praying instead. Wishing will get you no farther than the bottom of a well. Praying will eventually get you abundantly more than you could ever imagine. 💭🙏🏻😊

Dancing With The Scars

Dancing with the Scars

No one is immune from life’s difficulties. So, while I’d rather write about all the good times in my life, I know that my story would not be complete without including the not-so-good times. I believe it was in my search for answers to those dark times that I learned to trust in God and in His goodness. I also believe He allowed my struggles and difficulties to mold and make me into the person He wanted me to be. He has an eternal perspective and long-term plans in mind when He allows various circumstances in our lives. He knows the big picture.

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” Vivian Green

What an encouraging old quote! If I could update and simplify it a bit, it’d be, “Dancing with the Scars.” While dancing (living) we’ll likely develop scars (hurts) and while scaring is a natural part of the healing process, dancing and scaring are inevitable, but healing is optional. I found my healing in Christ.

So when I was around age 6 to 8 years old I was sexually abused. To those who have not gone through this sort of thing, I understand where you might think, “Get over it.” But to those who have, I say, “You’re not alone. Abuse is traumatic. It affects how you think and feel about yourself and how you relate to people. It also affects how you relate to God.”

I never told anyone about the abuse back then; I was afraid and I was a child. My mind blocked the memories of it until I was an adult. When the memories of it returned in adulthood, I went through a series of faith growing periods in my life, which also included forgiving those who had abused me. While I choose not to go into details of the sexual abuse, I will share about another traumatic experience that I went through when I was around 11 years old:

While babysitting a toddler and a baby, I was held at knife point over a large bloody bowl of water that contained a dead rabbit. I was forcibly held and forced to watch him cut apart the rabbit. I was basically scared out of my mind and was afraid to tell anyone about it. That experience alone was traumatic enough but it was made even more frightening when I learned that within a few months of what he did to me, a woman’s cut-up remains were found under the floor board of the very kitchen where he had traumatized me. He had fled the state and within a few months was caught and convicted of attempted murder of a woman in another state. I was told that he was suspected of murdering several other women while he was on his 18 month run from the police. He went to prison, where he later died, while on a work-release program.

In retrospect, even though it was a traumatic experience for me, I believe that God placed His hand of protection over me that day and protected me from being murdered. This event and the sexual abuse was all prior to me coming to faith in Jesus Christ. I believe God, in His sovereignty and providence, had plans for me and my life even before I was born.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you.” Jeremiah 1:5

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
Romans 5:3-5

I believe the hardships in life have a purpose; they can develop our endurance, strengthen our character, give us hope, and shape our thoughts about God.

In Genesis 50:20, Joseph told his brothers, As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.”

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

God uses the troubles and traumas in our lives to get our attention, shape our perspective, and ultimately to make us more like Him. While we may not understand why He allows some things in our lives, we are to trust Him nonetheless.

I have long ago forgiven my abusers, and it was because I asked God to help me forgive them. When I asked him to help me forgive, He gave me the gift of forgiveness in my life. It changed my perspective radically. God’s word tells us to forgive:

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Regardless of what sins were committed against me, there came a time in my own life where I realized that I too was guilty of sin. It was at that point, that my life began to change; and when I came to understand that:

We’re all born with a sin nature.

We’re all hopeless without Christ.

We’re all sinners in need of a Savior.

Jesus took the penalty that we deserve and offers us a new and eternal life in Him, when we come to Him in repentance and faith.

I also believe it’s wrong to see yourself as a victim. While it’s true you may have been a victim, I’m saying it’s wrong to see yourself in that way. See yourself in the light of God’s word:

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:23-24

“All” includes the most vile person you have ever known, up, and including the sweetest person you have ever known.

“None is righteous, no, not one.”
Romans 3:10

And when you receive God’s free gift of salvation through faith and trust in Christ alone, God sees you and receives you, clothed in the righteousness of Christ. That offer includes you and me, and it includes my abusers.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

So dance, because life is a gift, regardless of our difficulties and scars. God has made a way for all who come to Him in repentance and faith to live here and now, and into eternity. Don’t focus on the difficulties and the scars. Focus on Him who,

“…was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5

He Was Country When Country Wasn’t Cool

“I Was Country When Country Wasn’t Cool.” by Barbara Mandrell, was a popular song in 1981. I really wasn’t much of a country music fan but this song caught my attention; the lyrics made me think about my dad. He passed away in 1978.

My dad was a good dad in lots of ways. He loved his kids, he loved my mom, and we lived in a nice home in a nice neighborhood. We always had plenty good food (my mom was a good cook!) and plenty of clothes. We had nice gifts for our birthdays and at Christmas time, and he always made sure we went on vacation every summer; my love for travel probably came as a result of my dad taking us on family vacations.

He was also very sentimental; tears would come to his eyes whenever he talked about his mom who died when he was only 9 years old. His older sister’s help raise him. As an adult he suffered from polio in the 1950’s and as a result had one weak arm and one weak leg that caused him to walk with a limp. He didn’t let his disability keep him from working and living life though. While I was growing up, he always had two jobs; working for White Castle on the weekdays and playing guitar at night on the weekends. He worked during the day because he had 6 kids to feed; he played guitar at night because he loved country music and playing the guitar.

He taught himself how to play guitar when he was in high school; he played by ear and was pretty good at it. I remember he told me that the principal at his high school used to ask him to play his guitar for impromptu convocations. Here’s a photo of him, I think in 1938, with his guitar and wearing his Cloverdale High School letter sweater that he earned playing basketball:

Dad 1

Later, he made a couple of records (45 LPM) and played in various bands over the years including “The Hoosiers” and “Boomer and the Boomertones.” He played guitar at the Nashville Grand Ole Opry in the 1950’s for a husband and wife team named Kenny and LuLu Bell Si, and also on a local TV station in Indianapolis on a show called Mid-Western Hayride. In the 60’s and early 70’s he worked nights at local taverns playing country music throughout most of my childhood.

Dad

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He recorded hours and hours of his music, first on Reel-to-Reel tapes, then on cassettes. Our garage and our basement were like recording studios. I have lots of childhood memories of all sorts of musicians coming over to our house to play music. When they played in the basement, it would be full of laughter, cigarette smoke, long neck bottles and loud country music. When I was a young teen, he tried and tried to teach me how to play but I’d complain that the guitar strings hurt my fingers. That was my excuse (although true), but in reality I just didn’t think country music or playing the guitar was very “cool” back then. Somehow, I was unimpressed by all of it.

Inescapably and as life would have it, the good times were mixed with the bad. Actually my dad’s preferred mix was Calvert’s and 7UP. Nearly every night he would drink. He’d even have me make it for him if I was nearby. He was quiet and kind during the day and then he’d be argumentative at night. It was literally like night and day. I remember thinking everybody’s dad drank whiskey and 7UP every night because that’s what mine did. I think it could be best be described as controlled chaos; it would be crazy at times then everything would be fine the next day. Then one tragic day in 1963 my oldest brother died in a car wreck and our whole family was devastated. My dad had such a hard time coping and was in so much pain. We all were in pain really. During the following 2 or 3 years I witnessed him attempt suicide on two occasions. It’s hard to explain my feelings through the eyes of 9, 10 or 11 year old, but I mostly remember feeling so sorry for my dad but not knowing how to help him, mixed with some anger because it was just so hard to process. Those years were hard; it was a hard time in all of our lives back then. A few years later in 1973, I did what we all do when we grow up; I moved out to live on my own.

In 1978 I decided to move back home when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He passed away within 6 months of his diagnosis. I remember the night my (future) husband carried him from the house to the car to take him to the hospital where he went into a coma and then passed away two weeks later. Here’s a photo of us together at a family picnic a couple of months before he passed away:

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Cancer is a horrible disease and I hate it, but at the same time, I believe it’s a blessing to have the time between the diagnosis of cancer and the time of passing: time to collect your thoughts; time to heal relationships and; time with God. I believe it was God’s providence that drew me back home during that time. I got to spend those last few months living with my dad and my mom while he was going through cancer treatments. It was then and there that I saw my dad read his bible and pray. He talked about God and I saw his bible study notes. He had both old and new notes in his bible. I also learned that he was a Christian long before I was even born. That surprised me because I thought that Christians were supposed to be “perfect” and that they didn’t have any problems. In reality I believe my dad struggled with many real life problems – losing his mom at such a young age, the polio, the alcohol, the death of my brother, etc., each that turned into heavy burdens in his life. In fact, Christians aren’t immune from problems; God uses them to get our attention and ultimately to draw us closer to Him.

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 1 Peter 1:6-7

Now at this time in my own life, my walk with God wasn’t very close – I was keeping Him at a distance. Even still, I believe God’s grace was at work in my life and that this period of my dad’s passing and me being present in his life during this time was all part of His plan in both of our lives.

And looking back, I realize I was not as close to my dad while I was growing up as I wish I could have been. I think I kept him somewhat at a distance as well. While my love for my dad has always been there and I never doubted that he loved me, somehow my feelings and compassion for him have actually grown since his passing. And, if he were here today I would tell him how much I love him and that I now understand that life is not perfect; people are not perfect; Christians are not perfect; difficult things happen in life; and that we all make choices in life that we may later regret. Jesus is the only One who has led a perfect life. If my dad were here today, I’d tell him I’m sorry I didn’t let him teach me how to play the guitar. I’d tell him that his guitar and his country music were “cool.” Most of all, I’d tell him that he was in fact, very “cool.”

“Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.” Proverbs 14:26

Even the Hairs of your Head

Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, I was a pale, dark-haired little girl who loved watching TV.

I remember that I wanted to look like, no actually, I wanted to be Elly May Clampett from “The Beverly Hillbillies” TV show that debuted in 1962.

It was her long blonde hair and her sweet country personality that impressed me, and also probably because I spent way too time watching TV back then. I grew up admiring lots of TV actors. I remember my mom used to tell me that God made me just the way I was supposed to be, and to be happy with who I was. I didn’t believe my mom at the time and secretly planned to bleach my hair blonde like Elly May as soon as I reached age 18. Fortunately by the time I’d turned 18, I had grown out of my Elly May Clampett stage.

I was also a Tom-Boy. I used to play soldier and dress up in my brother’s army outfit, crawl on my belly in the woods behind our house, complete with a toy rifle strapped to my back and a toy knife in my mouth. Vic Morrow from the TV show “Combat” was my inspiration. Thankfully I grew out of this stage as well.

My surname was Query and I used to be a little embarrassed by it, especially when people pronounced it with a long “e” sound. Although “query” is synonymous with “question,” I didn’t like the slang connotation associated with it. I always used to feel like I was different from everyone else, and that I didn’t fit it. I didn’t trust people, was pretty much a loner, and was uncomfortable being around people. But, in reality it wasn’t my name that made me feel that way. More than likely it was due to some traumatic events I experienced as a child.

Life is not perfect.

In fact,

Life is messy sometimes.

But,

I discovered in my adulthood that the key to unlocking life’s messes is to look to God for answers to all of life’s questions.

Now I still have times when I feel different and feel like a loner but I prefer to say it’s because I’m just a little quirky, or maybe unique is a better word, but either way, I believe God has worked it all out for my good and His glory. My overall life has been overwhelmingly filled with many more blessings than problems.

I have to laugh when I think about my first car: it didn’t have a “P” for “Park” and the emergency brake was in-op. So to park the car, I carried a wedge to throw out under the tire to keep the car from rolling. Sometimes I’d miss and had to get out really quick and hope the car wouldn’t roll too far before I could get the wedge under the tire!

I also used to run out of gas all the time because I didn’t like spending money on gas. I much preferred to spend money on food or clothes. Ha! The mind of a 16 year old!

I graduated from high school in 1972. That same year that I voted in my first presidential election, for Richard Nixon no less. I used to get lost while driving to new places and I’d end up crying. I remember thinking how cool it would be if the radio could please just tell me where I was and how to get to where I was going. I was on the edge of brilliance (?!) but somehow fell short of inventing a GPS and navigation system. Ha!

When I was in my 20’s, I used to arm wrestle – and win. I got married at age 25, became a step-mom of two, traveled on our honeymoon to London, Paris and Rome and got sea-sick on my first cruise across the English Channel. I gave birth at age 26 to our first daughter, Michelle!

When I was in my 30’s, I gave birth at age 31 to our second daughter, Megan! I came dangerously close to alligators while floating down Ichetucknee Springs (Florida) in an inner tube. We moved to Florida from Indiana and traveled to Waikiki Beach Honolulu and West Edmonton, Canada.

When I was in my 40’s, I gave birth at age 42 to our third daughter, Mackenzie! We lived in a barn while building our first home as homeowners. While working with the youth group at our church, I hid in the curtains at JCPenney, wearing a disguise, while playing “Where’s Waldo?” at the mall. I worked nights for Delta Air Lines and was constantly sleep deprived. We moved from Florida to California and then back to Florida, then to Texas. My travels included Tokyo, Japan, Montego Bay, Jamaica, Honolulu, and Frankfurt, Germany.

In my 50’s, I slept on the street in downtown Los Angeles with Michelle and Megan and several strangers, while waiting in line for a TV game show. The police jokingly gave us our wake up call by megaphone! A year earlier, I was called up from the audience of this same game show when I heard them say, “Elaine Crandell, come on down! You’re the next contestant on The Price is Right!” I traveled to Lake Tahoe, Mt Rushmore, and to the local maze where was I the first and only one in our family to finish all 4 mazes! I traveled to Times Square and the Empire State Building in NYC and stayed in a hotel on Times Square. I traveled to Chicago and stood on the Willis Skydeck. I also traveled to Moscow, St Petersburg and Yaroslavl Russia on my first mission trip with Michelle and Mackenzie, and to Toronto, Canada with Michelle on a second mission trip. And, I became a Maw-Maw!

Now in my 60’s, I’ve been indoor skydiving, walked on a glass skywalk over the Grand Canyon, traveled on three cruises to the Bahamas, four Caribbean cruises and one Alaskan cruise. I’ve driven all sorts of motorhomes all over the country, hundreds of miles, and enjoyed stopping and smelling the roses all along the way home. With 12 grandchildren (and counting) for my husband and I, my heart is full and so very thankful for all of life’s blessings.

Which brings me to why I decided to write. While I’ve just shared bits and pieces here of some of my life and some of my adventures, I well know that life is not about ease, comfort, and pleasure. It’s not about fun and games. It’s not about acquiring things and it’s not about traveling to new places.

Life is about knowing God and making Him known. It’s about glorifying God and enjoying Him forever.

And,

God’s purpose for His children is to conform us to Christ’s image, to glorify Himself through us, and to use us to spread the gospel.

But, I know,

Many of us, myself included, didn’t come to Christ the first time we heard the gospel. We hesitated or we tried to get to God through our own good works, trusting in traditions, or by trying to do things in our own power.

As I look back over my life, I see where God has used some unlikely methods to get my attention and to accomplish His purposes in my life.

He did the same in Gideon’s life.

In Judges, Chapter 7, God used Gideon and a small army of 300 men to defeat the Midianites’ large army of 135,000. The small army won. God chose Gideon, the small army, and their weakness in order to put His might on display.

In this same way, God uses our weakness, suffering, and our fumbling efforts to both demonstrate His power, and to draw us closer to Him.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

So in my writings, it’s my goal to share “the good, the bad, and the ugly,” and the seemingly insignificant events of my life, in which God has used for His purposes and to draw me closer to Him. I believe God’s providence has protected and provided for me my entire life, even before I came to know Him, and up to, and including now.

I see my life as an intricate weaving of the good and the bad, be it quirky or unique, and the fun and not-so-fun. But through it all, I’ve learned that God has a plan and a purpose for everything that happens in life and that…

“in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

I’ve learned that His plans and His timing is perfect in every way.

So the pale, dark-haired little girl who dreamed of being Elly Mae Clampett has been transformed from the little lost girl that I was, to a daughter of the King.

God protected me. He sought me. He sent His Son Jesus to die for me, and He made me into the person that He always planned for me to be. He cared for me when I was a child and He’s cared for me throughout my entire life. Even the minor and insignificant things like the hairs on my head.

Aren’t two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s consent. But even the hairs of your head have all been counted. So don’t be afraid therefore; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31

Treasure In Jars of Clay

My life story and journey of faith.

Category: Personal